200 Funny One Liners for Husband, Women, Friends, Kids and Myself

Funny one liners for husband: Marriage is a flavor of all the spices mixed together  like love, frustration, anger, fun, hate, depression, anxiety, happiness and much more. But funny thoughts or actions bring more taste to life. Husbands are found to have many funny things happening in their lives. It seems that sometimes they create the fun to have a healthy and loving atmosphere in the house. So also their forgetful shameless nature makes a life filled with fun. There are lots of funny incidents happening in the life of a married couple. We have tried to gather some of these funny memories of husbands in one line, hope you like it.

Funny One Liners for Husband

You’re my favorite flavor.

We are bad asses with good asses!

You are the ‘she’ to my ‘nanigans’.

You make my heart go boom!

I would download you anytime.

At least this balloon is attractive to me!

Funny One Liners for Husband

With you, I can be myself. That says a lot.

I love you more than pizza, and that’s saying a lot.

Your hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me.

Husband One Liners

I want to be with you till my last page. – A.R. Asher

When you are around..nothing else really matters!!

Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Never laugh at your wife’s choice, you are one of them.

If loving you is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.

Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.

We look at each other like how we look at chocolate cake.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted

“My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I wish I was an octopus, so I had three hearts to love my husband with.

One Liner Love Quotes for Husband

Every moment I spend with you is like a beautiful dream come true.

Love brings us together, keeps us together, and will never let us part.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Forget ESPN, the best matchup you’ll ever see is my love for all others.

“My husband says I feed him like he’s a god: every meal is a burnt offering.

Dear lord, Please don’t let my husband be home when all my online orders arrive.

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!

Of all the tools I have in the kitchen, you’re the jar opener I love the most. Who needs Sharper Image?

Husband Quotes Funny

My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!

They say love is blind.. and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.

I wish I had the heart of a cockroach which has 13 chambers and is resistant to failure, so that I could give you more love.

A man who is right by your side through everything makes you happy. But he can leave your side to make dinner once in a while!

I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry. Funny One Liners for Husband

Ever since it started snowing, my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house

My loving husband’s best attribute? He has terrific taste in women, marrying the best wife of them all. You made the right choice and I love you all the more for it.

You are the fries to my gravy, the milk to my cookies, the peas to my carrots, and the chocolate to my brownies. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh, right. I was going to tell you I love you.

One Line Funny Quotes for Husband

Two peas in a pod.

You’re my lifehack.

I love being my husband’s wife.

Let’s fall in love and fall in bed together.

Baby you lit my fire, sorry about the smoke.

This one’s mine! Touch and you’re a goner!

Sorry to be cheesy, but you’re my butter half!

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

husband jokes one liners | marriage one liners | one liner for husband

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

My life really began when I married my husband.

Nothing says “home” like the arms of my husband.

Husband Jokes One Liners

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.

I and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.

My husband wears the pants in my house… The ones I pick.

For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.

We’re dreaming of one another despite being wide awake.

My husband wears pants in my house.. The ones I pick

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t want to interrupt her.

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.

My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

One Liner for Husband

Our relationship comes from the heart, the other parts aren’t bad either.

Sometimes I can’t see myself when I’m with you. I can only just see you.

They asked him, “How’s your life?” He smiled and answered, “She is fine.

I sent you a message of love, it came back undeliverable, what’s up with that?

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker” – Woody Allen

Don’t stop dating your WIFE and never stop flirting with your HUSBAND.

In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, he wears. I shop, he pays!

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

Child experience: if a mother is laughing at the father’s jokes, it means they have guests.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

The husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!!

One Line Quotes for Husband

My darling, this scenery makes me speechless. Husband: Perfect, we’re setting up tent here.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

My husband is one of my greatest blessings from God. His love is a gift that I open every day.

There are two sides in a marriage, one who is always right and the other is called…..the husband.

There are two sides in a marriage, one who is always right and the other is called.. the husband

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house!

One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life. Funny One Liners for Husband

Funny Quotes about Husbands

Hopefully these quotes will show the lighter, funnier side of marriage and living with your husband. Funny One Liners for Husband

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes’

Do you have a favorite from our funny husband quotes? Maybe one that you can most relate to or that even your own husband likes. Or one we’ve missed out!

Husband: I am a grown man, stop mothering me. Also husband: Have you seen my keys? Have you seen my wallet? Where did we park? I don’t have clean underwear

You are the mower of lawns, the unclogger of sinks, the griller of burgers and the provider of helicopter rides for our children. Above all else, you are an amazing man who I love dearly.

Husbands get a lot of fun poking at them but at the end of the day we really love them. They’re our partners, there for us when we need them and generally great guys. Just don’t tell them! Funny One Liners for Husband.

Funny One Liners for Kids

Q. How did the baby tell her mom she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.

Q. How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!

Q. Why did the Daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.

Q. What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.

Funny One Liners for Kids

Q. How do billboards talk?
Sign language.

Q. What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.

Q. What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.

Q. Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.

Q. What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.

Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

Q. What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.

Q. What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.

QWhat’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.

Q. What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!

Q. What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.

Q. Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much as a kid?
He was a little Thor.

Q. What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.

Q. What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.

Q. Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.

Q. Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.

Q. Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.

Q. Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.

Q. Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.

Q. Where do cows go on Dec. 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.

Q. Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!

Q. What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?

Q. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.

Q. What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod.

Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor’s office?
He was feeling crummy.

Q. What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.

Q. Why do bowling pins have such a hard life?
They’re always getting knocked down.

Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Just in case he got a hole in one.

Q. Where were pencils invented?
PENCIL-vania.

Q. Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can’t break the ice.

Q. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A BUCK-aneer.

Wife Jokes One Liners

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

Never laugh at your girlfriends choices… your one of them.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.

Funny One Liners for Women

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a female’s body. Then I was born

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card. She’s not sick, I just think she could get better.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Wife One Liners

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. Funny One Liners for Husband

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have. It’s the kids. I have kids.

My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she’s way out of my league.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Funny One Liners for Husband

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Funny One Liners for Friends

Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand…

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice. — Dorothy Parker

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives. — Euripides

Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.

If you had friends like mine, you’d be the luckiest guy in the world!

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant?

A friend is like a book: you don’t need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.

Funny One Liners for Friends

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.

My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends. — Sylvia Plath

You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal. — Elizabeth Taylor

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. It’s a free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

I’m changing my name to ‘Benefits’ on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say, you are now friends with Benefits.

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked. — Bernard Meltzer

A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you, not your house! — Jennifer Wilson

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass, and it goes to pieces. — Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Funny One Liners on Life

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

Never trust atoms; they make up everything.

My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.

I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?

Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.

Funny One Liners on Life

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Funny One Line Quotes on Myself

I’m like 113% tired.

Oh yes, I’m a hot mess!

I put the ace in disgrace!

Everyone’s so dope, and I’m so nope.

I feel like I’m already tired tomorrow.

The only abs I have are abnormalities.

My teacher called me average. How mean!

I know I’m ugly, but at least I’m still trying.

Do you want to hear a funny joke? My life.

In photos, I’m ugly. In real life, I’m also ugly!

I may be trash, but I burn with a bright flame.

I’m dropping it like it’s my hopes and dreams.

Funny One Line Quotes on Myself

I wouldn’t even settle for me, so why would you?

They say money talks. But all mine says is goodbye.

How do I moisturize my face? I use my own tears!

I might be obnoxious, but at least I’m also annoying.

I can’t exactly shame myself into becoming a better person, right?

Sorry, demons! There’s no room inside me because I’m self-possessed.

Whenever I look in the mirror, it shows me what I lack, not what I have.

It’s true that I’m CUTE: C(ringy), U(nattractive), T(rash), and E(asy to forget).

Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about will never happen.

I just realized that my life can’t fall apart if I never had it together in the first place.

Using the “y=mx+b” formula, calculate the slope at which my life is going downhill.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I actually derive excitement from every second of it.

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to make myself a better person each day? Also, no.

My entire life is a big joke. So, tell me why exactly I need to celebrate April Fool’s Day again?

To the powers that be, if it’s inevitable that something bad must happen to me, at least make it funny.

I’m actually a very hardworking person. Almost everything becomes harder when I’m the one working on it.

My exercise routine includes running away from my problems, running late, and running my mouth non-stop.

I’m quite smart and intelligent. Most of the time, I don’t even understand a single word of what I’m talking about.

I can’t deny that I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger. I’m older now, so I can make different, yet more severe mistakes.

When I’m ready to sleep, I don’t bother checking if my foot is hanging off the end of my bed anymore. Come get me, demons, I’m already living in hell.

There’s no way I’m willing to learn new skills unless I’m instantly proficient at them. Yeah, I know that at this point, I’m pretty much just sabotaging my own life.

I found a way to not get cheated on. Just have a self-destructive personality and a tendency to self-sabotage. Trust me, this will keep you single for the rest of your days.

No one can possibly hope to compete with me when it comes to being hard on myself. So, if you’re only here to judge me, please keep it to yourself and just shove it up your arse! Funny One Liners for Husband

You’re guessing that out of the 7 billion people here on Earth, I’m going to chase someone who doesn’t even like me? Well, watch me closely because that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Touching funny quotes and talks in the house keeps a healthy atmosphere at home. Fun releases stress and people talk straight and open with their parents and elders in the house to take any opinion and guidance required. 

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