John Mulaney Quotes: John Mulaney (born April 26, 1976) is an American comedian, actor, writer and producer. Along with being a fixture of stand-up comedy in America, Mulaney’s characters have appeared on Saturday Night Live and he has been a writer for the Emmy Award-winning sketch show from 2005 until 2006 and also a star of the short-lived Fox sitcom Mulaney.
In the post, we are going to give you the most popular John Mulaney quotes. Here’s a small list.
John Mulaney Quotes
1. “Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken”
2. “In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
3. “Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I’m new in town.”
4. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”
5. “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”
6.“All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”
7. “Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up. Let’s just call it like Delta Airlines”
8. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”
9. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”
10. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.”
11. “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them – especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin,”
12. “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter with my friends, I was still an extrovert.”
13. “Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.”
14. “I plan to join the ‘SNL’ band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I’ll be sure to look right into camera.”
Best John Mulaney Quotes
15. “I love this town! I’ve been here four or five times in my life.”
16. “I majored in English in college – I don’t know what that means either.”
17. “You don’t know how good it felt to drink cheap beer again…like when nobody knew who I was.”
18. “I would not say that I speak in a monolog because there’s at least one other person in the conversation, he says in his essay.
19. “People always ask about your worst moments as a comedian, he said in the intro to his Emmy award-winning special, 10th Planet. “There are way too many to pick one.”
20. “You won’t see me doing Tweedledee or Tweedledum,” Mulaney said about his Saturday Night Live days when he was pitching ideas for sketches that never made it on air.
Funny John Mulaney Quotes
21. “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”
22. “I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on.”
23. “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”
24. “I’m pretty self-critical about everything I’ve ever done: stand-up, ‘SNL.'”
25. “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
26. “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”
27. “When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.”
Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes
The comedy lines of John Mulaney are hilarious. Read the strikingly witty quotes from his standup comedy TV show to lighten your spirits from your depressing life. These funny John Mulaney quotes will certainly raise your spirits.
28. “Most open-mic experiences I had were okay.”
29. “I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”
30. “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.”
31. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.”
32. “Here’s how easy it was to get away with a bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”
33. “Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’. I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. ‘Get away from my wife!’ ‘No one is talking to my wife!’ ‘I didn’t kill my wife!’.”
John Mulaney Quotes About College
There are so many quotes about college life by John Mulaney that are particularly timely for undergraduates. For instance, in one of his standup bits, he talks about being in college and feeling angry when his professors want him to do work outside of class time. People who are studying right now will know what this feels like all too well.
John Mulaney also talks about not being content just being enrolled at the school because it all has to be done with a sense of purpose.
33. “I almost majored in theater when I was in school, but eventually switched to economics which is what I am now working on in graduate school.”
34. “I stayed in college for two years, two whole years. Spent my afternoons at the library, my evenings at communi– hang on, there’s a knock on the door, hold your horses.”
35. “But I can’t do it. I’m not sure I understand what the point is…I don’t know. It’s just that the only thing that I’m good at is jokes, and that’s just not useful in most things.”
36. “I’ve been fortunate enough to have been able to attend Standford University as an undergraduate and from that experience, I have some thoughts on the college experience.”
Famous John Mulaney Quotes
37. “I couldn’t afford the Nikes so the guy gave me two pairs of Adidas—one white and one blue, which now just looks like I’m homeless.”
38. “She said she had to go so we could catch up later, so I told her ok but asked what would she be up to later in that case? She said she was going to take a shower.”
Funniest John Mulaney Quotes
39. “I just do what I do to get by. I’m not cool, I don’t have sponsorships, I could not care less. I love hot dogs.”
40. “My dad said he spent the last three days watching this video of a guy feeding ducks at a pond where there’s no such thing as ducks.”
41. “Everyone talked about their family: ‘Oh yeah, we went up to this lake and we saw this bear and I killed it with my bare hands.’ It was always some kind of bear. I never got one. I was like, ‘I saw the most bearish thing that ever bears. It was just a little koala bear.”
John Mulaney Quotes About Money
What better advice for us to do that than from the wise words of our favorite comedians? Their anecdotes are full of gold, with truths that might just change your life. So start taking notes, cause these are all true sentences taken out of context with John Mulaney quotes.
42. “Wealth is so disturbing when it’s concentrated in 500 people.”
43. “Whether you’re a success or not, it’s always tough not to think about the future.”
44. “My sister said, ‘I don’t want them to think I’m ugly.’ If they refused you, they thought you were ugly.”
45. “But if I do go on that show I’ll put it in my contract that I don’t have to travel or eat any bugs or anything like that.”
46. “I may try out for American Idol next year,” says Mulaney. “It’s just no one ever calls me up anymore to sing which is very upsetting.”
47. “Life is tough for everyone,” said John Mulaney. “If you don’t want to be poor for the rest of your life, you need to save money now. Why wait?”